Give Me A Reason....

I have been roaming the music sphere for something like this for awhile now...
I have this strange love of songs that make me cry...
but this song not only makes me cry but basically says why do you want me?
give me a reason to love you...

This is how i feel about so many things...

I only heard this song for the first time just 5 minutes ago...
But something in it made me stop and listen...
It said what I have always felt,
Be it in times of budding attractions,
in times of hate and anger,
 in times of general rememberance

Whenever i'm lost to my own thoughts it's like this...
Life is the song that goes round in my head
twisting, morphing, and mutating into something full of assumptions of others's motives and intentions
of what they say and do, of all of their known faults and all of my faults known and unknown
Getting to a place of imagined conversations and encounters
full of whistful smiles, heartbroken dreams, and nearly unnoticable frowns,
until nothing is as i thought origionally even if in reality it really was what i thought to begin with

I worry about how these imagined moments will effect my realtionships
they already have in a way that i shall not say
and they are right now effecting me, causing assumptions as to motives and whereabouts,
It causes the most accute form of rejection in my heart
even if that was not the case in the first place,
for instance if i were to recieve a text from the person i was thinking of while writing this post right now
i would be exstatic and happy and would turn into a chatty girl of fourteen that, in my mind is annoying the other person to death and they cant wait to stop talking to me and wished that they had never started in the first place.

That is what i fear most being annoying to this person that im not even sure i like yet,
i crave their attention, i desire thier conversation and will ponder why they have not spoken to me in the past few hours, even though they have no reason to focus on me or give me their particular attenion.

This is a part of me that i may never understand, why i dwell on the past soaking up every last humiliating detail until i nearly explode from the thought of it.
I tell myself to stop to think of something else but that only intensifies that thought in my mind
And i cant seem to escape it...

Edith Piaf

one of my favorite inspirational songs "je ne regrette rien"
it makes my heart soar that through all the mistakes she made in her life that she regrets nothing that happened to her because it made her who she was....

Men

So i figured out today that a certain very attractive male friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend, who i was also somewhat friends with... i want to swoop in and all that but my conscience says HELL NO!!!
which is making me sad a little... and the worse thing is that i know i wont do it cause i'm never good with this kind of stuff... grrr i hate indecision and feelings of inability they so inhibit the processes of life and love and the pursuit of happiness
Its not like i would have settled down and gotten married or anything but it would be nice to date some one that i find attractive for once...
And this whole speech has decided me against it in an adaptation of the famous words by Mr. Wickham "If he wishes to be with me he must come to me. not i"
(that is super corrupted by the way)



And to sort of follow the theme of my mood....

Music

My life without music would be a disaster, i would not feel connection to others i would not be able to relate to others i would be lost in a sea of people and would not, could not understand or empathize with any of them.
Do others feel this way? or is it just me? Am I as alone as i feel most of the time?

 

Colorblind

Gay Marriage Speech

so i just realized...

so remember the earlier post of when MONDO! came to my school?
well i just figured out that it had to have been post Project Runway Allstars
Which by the way is currently running....
hmm speculations anyone?

my top 3 for the final runway?
Mondo- have to say that was a given
Rami- I would love to learn from the master of drape
and......
wild card!- this spot (at least for me) belongs to either Austin Scarlet (glamonista) or Micheal C(another draper extraordinaire)

people who should be kick off again?
1. Kennely- i'll give her the fact that the bitch can sew, but she is just that a bitch who copies other designers and cant think past the 1950's, dont get me wrong i like the 50's style as much as the next girl, but every single thing you do as a designer cannot be based in that genre or you become a one note.... just saying... cause somebody has to.
2. Kara Janx- honestly i dont even remember her from her season at all, which is saying alot because if a designer makes an impression on me i remember them... the girl does have some original ideas but her time management and execution skills need some work.
3.Jarrelle- not how u spell it but whatever, anyways this boy what he sent down the runway this week was only memorable for its misstep in the style department, but so far he has not impressed me and i cant remember any of  his work so far. forgettable to say the least.

i'm not worried about losing reader at his point with my juicy comments because my readers dont exist at all .... hence why i do what i want.

nother good song.form the opera Carmen
 yes i mix things up!

sometimes i wonder...

... if there isnt one person that another is perfect for
which leads me to wonder if karma has effect upon that relationship

because in my short life i've only felt truly attracted to one person
and i think due to the fact that i lost them karma is not liking me so much.

This song is how i feel... but its more the way its being sung than the words themselves

Depression

I've been really down for the past few weeks, and i cannot define it in any other capacity then depression.
morbid... i know but i cant help it...
in those dead and empty moments where im by myself  i end up thinking too much...
the true definition of an introvert but i cant help but think about my future...
but contrary to normal i have found some very depressing topics to contemplate...
where i would normally daydream about some wonderful adventure i ended up thinking of my future and how
i will most likely be alone for my whole life... because i have chosen my career before others...
i plan to take the world by storm... but that storm tends to blow away any chance of love entering my heart...
and whats worse even if i did find someone to love there is no guarantee they would want what i want from a relationship... for instance.... i dont want to get married, or have kids... because commitment scares me and kids are distracting and often a nuisance but i have a feeling that the person i want will not want the same things... which worries me...
because i hate to see people in pain, and i would never want anyone to sacrifice their own desires because they love me, that kind of feeling for others is perhaps beyond my scope of understanding feeling.
i occasionally wish that i was a machine in the emotions department (and work ethics) but i may yet regret that wish because i dont know if i can feel for others the way they feel for me...

Does that make me a monster?

Or am i more human than i think?

Alice in WOnderland remix is wonderful!

I've wanted to post this for awhile but haven't gotten the chance to :)

something from my facebook that i thought might be good to post here oh and a song too!

so i've come to realize a few things
a.) you cant always get what you want ...
if you're always working
2) that thing you want must sometimes come to you...
within a reasonable amount of time
7)planning doesn't mean anything if you want it to mean something...
at least when you make an attempt to see someone that is either ignoring you or is too busy to give you a second thought
f) if that thing with the friend is true then you say "screw 'em. i do what i want."
.... or something like that
q) and if you say "screw 'em i do what i want." they are so missing out...
but so are you
17) and lastly if i don't socialize more i will never become a jedi...
but i need someone to do that with who wont mind if i do work while we socialize...

I like this song muches even though its slightly depressing but thats what life is and what cuddling is for!

 

 

Is it bad...

to get angry at people
who dont respond to any messages you leave them?
i think no... but i do get hint so i wont be speaking to that person
until they talk to me...

still angry though
as i should be
cause i take time out of my day to think of them,
and write them messages
and stuff...

i even offered to visit this kid at work which was out of my way
but he gave me an excuse and hasn't offered to do something similar which makes me mad as hell
i understand that he's busy but he could take 2 seconds to talk to me
fucking common courtesy...

he did before, talk to me but it seems
that since my presence has dissipated
he doesn't think of me anymore
kinda not cool

i mean i think alot of girls feel this way..
when stuff like this happens to them

idk about other people but i do tend to build something out of nothing
and thats what this could be but i doubt it
cause he said he liked kissing me...
and we sort of want the same things
but i guess i was a bit annoying with the amount
of messages i left him...
but he wouldnt respond...
then i flipped out cause i didnt hear from him all day one of the days...
and he said that it was awkward for me to be mad at him cause
he left his phone at home and didnt get my messages

im tempted to leave him a really long message about somethings but
i doubt that he would read it all the way through ...
hes done that before
i write a longish message with various questions and bam no response...
but he hasn't defriended me yet so ill let him breathe
but i have a feeling if i dont let him breathe  he'll def  end up
deleting me as a friend on facebook
grr i hate boys... maybe lesbian is the way to go...
at least i understand girls better than boys
well besides gay boys...

anyways thats my week.. kinda upsetting huh?

so im such a freak....

and insecure... which breaks things i want too much to work... and it frightens people away...
once they get to know me... its like oh shes like that... then they leave...
but i wont change....cause i like being a freak... but i wish i knew someone who could handle the freak in me!

the only problem with this is that they cant be boring... i just couldn't handle being with a boring person
i need to be surprised and shocked by what they do and i want to keep guessing on what we do next...
i need entertainment and fun in my life to stay... which is one of the reasons my last relationship didnt work
but anyways  this following song is how i feel about the person that im trying to work out something with... idk what we are right now which caused me to freak out a bit last night after he didnt respond to little old me... i might be more needy than i thought when i really like someone... anyways these are my feelings....

Driving...

so my favorite people while driving are the ones who pass me...
I'm whats called a hypermiler... though not as extreme as the one in the following video i save a good amount of gas in my ford focus wagon which i approximate usually is estimated to get 26mpg but i manage to get 30-35mpg which is a substantial difference in the amount of money i spend on my 10 gallon tank... which makes me visit the pump every 10 days or so... which is nice rather than every 2 or 3 days...

But anyways my favorite two things happened in the past 2 days...
last night driving home i got lights flashed at me and the finger.... my first ever!
then on Tuesday morning driving to school i had an old man pass me with a honk and a fist shake! it was so epically  hilarious i nearly peed myself!
in case you think im being sarcastic ill just straight up tell you how much i enjoy people honking and flashing their lights at me because i just think of them wasting all their gas on their acceleration to pass little old me... their impatience is costing them lots of money and my planning and slow acceleration is saving me lots!

I'm wierd and like foreign music like these guys

Ignore the photos listen to the haunting melodies...
they give me chills

I just found out about this today...

Jamie ended up killing himself on 9/19/2011 because of the hate and slurs against him
what i don't understand about this situation is why people feel the need to bring others down just because they are different
why do people hate things that are so natural and beautiful?
i think that it is due to ignorance and fear... many people dont know that homosexuality is as old as humans themselves... there is evidence that the ancient Romans would have strictly male orgies, and even in times like the Napoleonic era homosexuality was known of if not supported
But for the fear aspect i think that people fear themselves more than others due to the stipulations and hate that goes with being "gay" i think that modern religion especially those that condemn such a natural thing are the cause of this problem.
Many people do not know that there are very few people who are strictly straight or strictly gay and that in fact most people are somewhere in  between with an inclination for either end or both in the case of bisexuals
but this pain that Jamie must have felt would have to have been too painful to bear which i think that many people can relate to... i know that i can... i myself have been called gay or lesbian from time to time, or for example when i was in middle school i cut my hair very short and gave it away to locks of love but one of the girls that i had gone to private school with called me a boy for the fun of it...
what can you say to something like that? and only because i was different from her and her uber prissy and girly ways...
thats what i dont really get about society... why must girls act different from boys and vice versa?
why can't people just accept each other for what we are? DIFFERENT

something that i like to say is that there is no such thing as "NORMAL" and "FITTING IN" because its a ridiculous objective because not even identical twins are the same in their brains So "WEIRD" or "ABNORMAL" are meaningless as well because once again there is no such thing as "NORMAL"

I hope that wherever Jamie is right now he is in peace... because sorry folks there's no such thing as hell its only there to keep human morals in check...
Rest In Peace Jamie, Forever.
may your soul never find the horrors of this world again

Mondo Guerra At My School

So Mondo came to my school today
i had my picture taken with him but my eyes are closed... this calls for a side project...
i did a project in high school with photo shop where we cartooned ourselves ima do it with me and mondo
ill post the result when its done mmkay?
but heres other proof

 

his hair is so fab and he decked himself in  orange and yellow

yay bowties and philau water bottles that provide further evidence

epic video thanks Mo

jackie chan secret singer of epic movie soundtracks

had a dream about my friend tom last night
it was wierd cause i havent seen him in like 2 or more years i think
i wonder where he is
what is he doing where he is
just a thought

i love this song by the way it makes me dance like no one is watching... even though they usually are

As per suggestion/demand... by raymond i now post my dyes and my final projects from the last two design classes and some other stuff

 Bleach Techniques

 walking monk(above): i'm apprenticing my professor who is awesome and a dye master

 Marble(Above): His name is Raymond and he has a blog too

 Straight fold(above):These are all bleach samples made on cotton corduroy

 Accordion(Above): This one is my mom's Favorite... i think its because of the straight lines...

This was my Final project for design 1 in owen's class she loved it and gave me an A of coarse lol

 posted for Raymond

I hand sew the center horizontal line this is the detail from the front

Detail of straw blown pattern

Another Straw blown pattern with black and gray

Bubble pattern Straw blown

Straw Blown Black

"would you feel anything at all?"

No more ties

Now that its sunk in that its truly over between us...
Why is it that i feel so less lonely than i was when we were together?
Is it me?
Or was it you, clingy overbearing and kind

I think it was you... because how could i feel better now that its over?
maybe it was because i didn't know what love felt like...
and i still don't
but i know that love doesn't feel like that
Pain anger emptiness

and yet when i think of how i hurt you i cry
still don't understand what it is that makes me do that
because im happy now
content soaring Free

I'M FREE
of everything we once were and will ever be
and i no longer worry that you will be the only one who will ever love me
Sunshine, Smiles and freedom

Grandpa...

Today I should be in school getting to know my classmates, getting to know my teachers, and letting them getting to know me. But I’m not, not anywhere near class or school, definitely nowhere near my teachers or classmates, not learning about them, or letting them learn about me. I’m on a road that I have been down many times before, but never like this I’ve never not wanted to go in this direction, because it means confronting myself, and my missing heart piece. A piece of my heart and me will be gone when I finally return home. I wanted to see them because it has been a while but never like this, never watery. Water spilling from everyone, instead of bubbles, and sunshine… water instead of rays of light and bursting flowers. I’ll miss it when I’m there and when I’m home I’ll miss the phone calls, and the silly words “how are you doing in school?… got any boyfriends?… i love you more than meat loves salt, gotcha!... Breanne can hug me anytime for a nickel or a dime, fifty cents for overtime!” I’ll miss the denture smile and the rough beard against my cheek. I’ll miss the worn body in the easy chair and the snacks that were bad for him, but that he ate anyway. I’ll miss the stubborn jackass of him and the complaining that we don’t visit enough.  I’ll miss the strong hugs, hugs that I never thought could be that strong. I’ll miss the burnt pancakes, the strange food likes and the only fishing trip we ever went on together. I’ll miss the stories about the Cheetos and the baseball games. I’ll miss the scooter and the truck that was a smaller version of the one at home. I’ll miss the familiar road and the deer painted on the garage. With our memories we all fade in time.

environmental vid
take a gander

funniest video ever... i know nuns and some of them might have actually done that which i think is better but what can you do?
i just think its an icebreaker if ever you've seen one although the glue would never be that good. anyway yeah thats all i really have to say today
besides a shout out to steph to see if she reads this...

GLEE... Yes seriously i am now offically a GLEEK

so i never thought the day would come that i would fall in love with a tv show that i thought was the dumbest idea ive ever seen for a show... GLEE.
i guess that i didnt like it because everyone else does or near next to everyone...
but Glee is what i think friendship should look like and love of music does look like not to mention the fact that they have quite a few lookers and strong personalities that i admire because of their bravery as characters
and i have a huge crush on Sam better known by his real name Chord Overstreet... i just love those big luscious lady lips and the very charming smile on his Tennessee born face those lips are utterly lickable and i was sad to find out he will not be making an appearance on season 3 of Glee.... but im sure that they will find an ultra-hot replacement for him heres looking toward the topping of that luscious "Rocky" impersonator (as in Rocky Horror not Rocky that punches things)

he is already sorely missed by this newly converted GleeK (isn't he adorable? i like a man who can pull off glasses and make them mighty sexy)
 i fell into this GLEE trap by chancing upon the Glee project which i am voting holeheartedly for either sam or hannah but i just found out she is no longer in the running so sam it is then i just love those dreads and the intense smokey eyes hes got going on... though Chord still plays on my heart strings
i really want to intern with their fashion department because they do great things with the looks they create and its what im doing with my life... or at least what i have planned so far. that would be a super awesome opportunity even though i know i would probably be trying to get the slushie coloring out of their clothes most of the time never the less it would still be epic.
-and thats how bre c's it